Fear: Time to Tell the Truth – Ending Fear


The first time (many years ago) when I attempted suicide, I knew then without a doubt, removing the Fear of Death from my life was the most freeing and transcending experience I could ever expect.  (I implore you though, do not consider an attempt just to see if it is true!)

Gladly, because I wasn’t successful in my goal (and the final three that followed, again many years ago), I am able to re-discover and experienc the greatest joys we always read and hear about when it comes to enjoying life to the max.  Sadly, while I assume not too many people get this – but, I’ve come to realize that humankind is fooling itself when it comes to fear.

We THINK we KNOW, and we tell others about what we think we know, and that is based on misinformation and double-talk passed down from a time when we didn’t know.  Actually, those who do know about fear make lots and lots of money from that knowledge.

Here are some of the ways I noticed Fear used against us everywhere and we accept it’s use against us:

  • Business – to sell to us

  • Organized Religion – to save us

  • Government – to protect us

  • Media – to inform us

  • Family – to train us

  • Social Oganizations – to delude us

  • Entertainment – to titillate us

  • Money Markets – to free us

  • Medicine – to study us

  • Politics – to confuse us (haha!)

  • Big Pharma – to medicate us

  • Education – to prepare us

** I’ll explain in further detail in future posts on Fear.

Since having this awareness about Fear, this is not to say that life has been one of leisure and comfort; rather, I’ve never worked so hard in my life to suck everything out of my experiences and to fully appreciate how life is lived – in all it’s beauty AND ugliness.

And this is not to say that I have my life all together and face every situation without concerns as I walk about as a beacon of inspiration.  On the contrary.  I am human, so I have ‘things I am working on’ all the time.  I have natural reactions, and anger, and pain, and …

So, from my vast experiences, wide and varied education, and with hundreds of interactions with people since, I feel I can confidently assert that:

_________

Fear is the Greatest Abuse
we inflict upon ourselves and others.

_________

We are in it every day, we see it every day, and it is used against us every day.

We run away from it, we fear it, and we breathe every moment hoping we are prepared against some kind of impending disaster (insurance?).

When I really opened my mind to this and saw the ugliness of the world, I became disempowered and unwilling to play the Fear Game.  I couldn’t come to terms with the morass inflicted upon us by using Fear as a weapon against the masses.  But sometime within the last few years (maybe when I turned 50, and not an “aberrationed” experience), I began to see and experience first-hand why the world needs compassion and understanding.  I now share in genuine moments of true relationship – and not always comfortable for us. But each of us know at least the relationship is real.  And our love grows.

______  .  ______

As I study and learn more about Fear, I am able to understand that I can rid myself of Fear and live a life that is more wonderful and adventurous and fun than ever before imagined or dared..

Now, even when things appear to seem hopeless and desolate, I live more in Freedom than ever before.  The Freedom comes in the understanding that Fear is the controlling force – and in that understanding, I let go of the Fear.

It isn’t always easy – after all, even science tells us that any force against nature has an equal and opposite force,  Therefore, if I’m up to good things that are taking me out of my ‘nature’ and pushing the limits of possibility, then I have to be prepared to expect nature to push back with the same force of opposition (economy, politics, family, social standing, finances, etc).

______  .  ______

To summarize from the last post on Fear and how it happens to us:

.

  1. We take in the information, then

  2. We INSTANTLY warn ourself from being startled by automatically and normally setting off phyical reactions like adrenalin (as in all animals), then

  3. Believing that feeling, we INSTANTLY search our memory for past feelings, then

  4. Believing that memory, we INSTANTLY give the feeling meaning, then

  5. Believing that meaning, we take action based on the meaning that we automatically EXPECT to remove the problem.

.

**  It doesn’t have to be this way.  **

We can eliminate all the problems and avoid the distress.
Read on …

______  .  ______

*** A strong reminder: these are only my observations – they are not the Truth.  I will add though, the insights I’ve shared are common in most societal institution in every culture.

.

The Big Secrets About Fear
.

  • Fear is only a feeling

  • There is a difference on whether we see or imagine the source of Fear > FEAR IS TIME-BASED

  • The feeling we get when we label it Fear is the EXACT SAME FEELING WE GET WHEN WE ARE EXCITED.  Yes, Fear feels the same as excitement.

  • Fear is the label we give the feeling

  • – we have 4 distinct opportunities to feel Fear and still not be afraid

  • – How we react when faced with a fear is only a “conditioned response

______  .  ______

The Four Opportunities to Eliminate Fear

>> Keep in mind that the focus of this discussion is on our PERCEPTIONS of threats (imagined) and not REAL threats that affect our lives or of those we love.

***

The first thing that happens when we are caught off guard (to start the process):

1 – We Warn Ourselves

  • The adrenalin rush we feel is only a natural biological effect

  • The feeling happens no matter what – we cannot control it

  • The feeling has the same purpose and is common in all life

       DOWNSIDE:

  • It is too easy to automatically think the worst about the feeling

       UPSIDE:

  • The chaotic jungle of life on this planet gives us a great internal warning system for real reasons to be fearful

1st OPPORTUNITY TO ELIMINATE FEAR:

We can CHOOSE not to JUMP TO THE FIRST CONCLUSION

  • WE CAN consciously acknowledge the feeling of the adrenalin and logically understand it can be a misread feeling

  • Opens up the mind to further inquiry of the “real” threat that scares us > more possibilities for understanding

Here is a personal example from my life that can illustrate my assertion:

When I was playing piano as a young boy, I was always encouraged to play well.  My piano teacher taught me to learn and express my talents through my inherent love of music (which I still hold today).  My father taught me to learn through the fear of losing the music because “it costs a lot of money to put you through this!” 

I can remember feeling scared and nervous before a recital (I used to play recitals at places like the old Eaton store in downtown Toronto for old rich people).  My teacher helped me quickly overcome fear of performing in public after a couple of performances.

This is what happened:

After I shared with my teacher how I was feeling (the adrenalin, hands sweaty, pacing, breathing), she told me I was wrong about my feeling.  Here it comes, I thought, now I am REALLY going to feel bad.

What she said to me was this:

“Kevin, for whatever reason you think you are nervous, it is not true.  The real reason you feel this way is because you are EXCITED about performing.  You know your stuff.  The feelings you get before you perform are EXACTLY THE SAME as Fear – and you know you are scared.  So it’s got to be excitement.”

After about three times of being reminded, I have never, ever been nervous about performing in front of people.  I’ve performed in theatre, TV, movies, music, training, and public speaking, and I’ve always excelled in this area of life.  And when I see an opportunity to perform something, I GET EXCITED!

______  .  ______

The next thing that happens after we get the physical sensation caused by some unexpected event (whether real or perceived):

.
2 – We Search Our Memory for a Similar Event

       DOWNSIDE:

  • We are limited to our memories of events AS THEY HAPPENED AT THE TIME

  • We remember details as if we were still that age

  • The more trauma to our psyche > the more embedded in our memories

  • Our memory changes because of later events, more knowledge, health, etc.

Our memories are selective > it will search ANYTHING to match the feeling (depending on the current event when we get the feeling of the adrenalin rush).

        WORST DOWNSIDE:

  • once the feeling is felt, our memory USUALLY STARTS AT THE WORST explanation and works it’s way down

  • we are conditioned by civilization to start with BAD memories because we all live in Fear

 

2nd OPPORTUNITY TO ELIMINATE FEAR:

We can CHOOSE not to JUMP TO THE FIRST MEMORY that comes to our mind.

  • We know the memory is untrustworthy because the memory is an automatic  random event from our brain.

Here is another example from my life:

When I approach an older man who reminds me of my late father (ie. Size, looks, sound, walk, or smell > I know that he is not my father, he just appears to me like the memory of my father.

Those memories of my father go back to the brutal childhood I endured.  There was much physical, psychological, and emotional abuse from him.  There was absenteeism, unexplained punishment, and never, ever a conversation with him in my first 17 years knowing him.

I learned over time that I didn’t have to fear male authority figures solely based on a memory.  Close to twenty years later when I saw him again, I grew to understand how memory taints our feelings.  By then, I came to understand that he wasn’t as big as I remembered; he was really just a broken man and bully; and he only did what he did out of his own fears.

This didn’t forgive his treatment of his eight children; but it did help me come to terms with my unfounded fears of older male authority figures.  I learned to change my behaviour because I knew I didn’t have to experience being with them and living from a misplaced feeling that I had to cower in secret fear and try to impress in order to achieve my/our goals.

______  .  ______

After the feeling and memory has arrived, then:

3 – We Tell Ourselves What the Feeling and Memory (together) Means to us.

It has been dissected and discussed over eons humankind’s eternal and most individual personal search (whether we acknowledge it or not).  That inquiry is about our search for meaning.  It is THE crucial element in civilization because it helps us all to connect with one another by creating a common understanding.

This happened because … or she’s like that because … or this symbol binds us because … 

DOWNSIDE:

  • Since our initial and natural reaction to an unexpected event is to protect ourselves, we tend to automatically think the meaning of the feeling represents doom.

UPSIDE:

  • By giving things/events/behaviours meaning, it gives us reasons for why things happen and can create safety for us (from such things as possible real physical danger).

 

3rd OPPORTUNITY TO ELIMINATE FEAR:

We can CHOOSE not to JUMP TO THE FIRST MEANING we automatically attach to the memory

  • we know the meaning is untrustworthy because the mind will attach anything that sticks

Another (boring?) example of how this can work:

I am involved in a lot of projects and I always have from my earliest memories as a boy.  I love them because they satisfy my need for constant change and variety, and I completely hate being on a clock and having a J.O.B. (Just Over Broke).

As I got older, my ability to achieve some of my goals was becoming more difficult.  I was becoming frustrated because things weren’t just getting done and I couldn’t depend on people.

The first thing I did was start going back through my memory to all my FAILED projects and started making checklists in my mind.  It wasn’t long before I found enough reasons to make myself feel bad.  Soon, I became fearful of sharing my ideas with others because I began doubting my skills and abilities.  That invoked my deep-seated fear of looking stupid.

One day, I decided to make a paper checklist of my ideas and projects (for a different project I’m working on right now).  Wow!  When I started to acknowledge the achievements I accomplished, I began to see patterns (as well as to feel better in knowing I wasn’t stupid after all, lol).

When I discovered I was selecting partners to work with me, I was choosing people who easily bought into the idea or were looking to impress me with their interest.  Not a good reason to select a working partner.

Since then, I realize that I don’t have to misjudge my ideas or the people working with me because I’ve changed my habits in the process.  Now when I embark on a new project, I may not have succeeded in the goal in the past, but that just means I learned something new to help me become better as a person.

______  .  ______

Then finally, after the brain INSTANTLY takes the event, and notices the feeling, and attaches it to a memory, and gives it a meaning, then

4 – We Take Action based on the Meaning We Gave to the Feeling

The classic theory on Fear tells us either we stay and defend or we run away called “fight or flight”.  This is typical whether the feeling of the Fear is real or perceived.  It is a conditioned reaction we are taught and affects every one of us (as animals).

.

4th OPPORTUNITY TO ELIMINATE FEAR:

We can CHOOSE not to REACT TO THE FIRST MEANING we automatically attach to the memory

  • we know everything has been untrustworthy so far, so a ‘second thought’ is required

When the Fear is real, such as someone is driving at us, the action is very apparent.  The person either jumps out of the way immediately or decides to take action head on.

When the fear is perceived, such as a Fear of Failure, it may not be so obvious.

An example of perceived fear such as above, the person may choose to never take courses to get promoted in the company.  If a person has a Fear of being Late (which would go deeper than that with further inquiry), they may act out by screaming aggressively at someone who slows them down or gets in their way.  Other examples of ways people react out of fear may appear as:

  • crying every time the person fears the other is leaving, or

  • physical fighting to avoid the fear of feeling embarrassed by another person, or

  • giving false compliments to overcome the fear of not being liked, or

  • becoming well-read to avoid the fear of looking stupid, and on and on …

The person may get stressed out at people just being themselves.  Someone standing on the escalator as they ride or someone fumbling around for change may be perceived as an enemy and then anybody in your way (which ends up being everybody) catches your derision.  The actions out of fear show up in many, many ways.

______  .  ______

To Recap …

In a nutshell to bring this conversation to close for today, here are the main points I’ve brought forward:

  1. Fear is not real

  2. Fear can be changed

  3. Fear is based on past memories

  4. We can live without Fear

.

.

Advertisements

52 comments on “Fear: Time to Tell the Truth – Ending Fear

  1. Logan Reising says:

    I simply want to tell you that I am newbie to blogs and definitely savored this web blog. Probably I’m going to bookmark your blog post . You absolutely have terrific stories. Appreciate it for sharing with us your website page.

  2. Gregory Despain says:

    Well I truly liked studying it. This information offered by you is very effective for correct planning.

  3. Mickey Tolmie says:

    I like the helpful information you provide in your articles. I’ll bookmark your weblog and check again here frequently. I am quite certain I’ll learn many new stuff right here! Good luck for the next!

  4. Janyce Wydler says:

    Just want to say your article is as astonishing. The clearness in your post is just excellent and i could assume you are an expert on this subject. Well with your permission allow me to grab your RSS feed to keep updated with forthcoming post. Thanks a million and please continue the enjoyable work.

  5. Sharleen Csaszar says:

    Thank you so much for giving everyone such a terrific opportunity to check tips from this web site. It can be so kind and also full of fun for me and my office fellow workers to search your website the equivalent of 3 times every week to read through the new things you have got. Of course, I’m just actually happy concerning the awesome tactics you give. Certain two areas in this article are in fact the most impressive we have ever had.

  6. Thanks a lot, Lamar.
    I was hoping I could say it in a way that it’s not confusing. Here all along, I thought I was weird for thinking the way I do.
    It kindness in your comments that make me feel better.
    K
    ps – hope to see you back again. Next topic is a good one …

  7. Hi Raleigh,
    Thank you for the kind words.
    I am in no way an expert on anything – just a humble wanderer sharing my observations on life.
    K

  8. I’m glad you enjoyed the post Alfonso.
    Thanks.
    K

  9. Thanks for your comments Maudie.
    Its a theme I customized.
    Hope you drop by again soon.
    K

  10. Siu Symanski says:

    Pretty nice post. I just stumbled upon your blog and wished to say that I’ve really enjoyed browsing your blog posts. In any case I’ll be subscribing to your rss feed and I hope you write again very soon!

  11. Oscar Aspegren says:

    I don’t even know how I ended up here, but I thought this post was great. I do not know who you are but definitely you’re going to a famous blogger if you aren’t already 😉 Cheers!

  12. Dan Wiebold says:

    I definitely wanted to develop a simple remark in order to express gratitude to you for all of the splendid hints you are giving on this website. My particularly long internet investigation has at the end been compensated with really good insight to go over with my neighbours. I ‘d assert that many of us visitors are definitely blessed to exist in a magnificent place with many brilliant professionals with valuable ideas. I feel very much fortunate to have seen the weblog and look forward to many more fun moments reading here. Thanks a lot once more for a lot of things.

    • Dan,
      In all sincerity, I am humbled by your comments.
      I’ve doubted for years whether what I know (or think I know) is worthy of publishing; and given your kind words, I am assuming I may be on the right track. Besides, I am having fun sharing.
      Looking forward to having you back again soon.
      K

  13. Dominic Athalone says:

    We are a group of volunteers and starting a new scheme in our community. Your web site provided us with valuable info to work on. You have done an impressive job and our entire community will be grateful to you.

  14. Carmelo Boule says:

    There is visibly a bunch to know about this. I assume you made various nice points in features also.

  15. just Kevin here says:

    Ernistina,
    You are very kind in your comment.
    I don’t even know what to say, lol.
    K

  16. just Kevin here says:

    Thanks Waldo.
    Your kindness is greatly appreciated.
    K

  17. Penny Krabbe says:

    Fantastic goods from you, man. I have understand your stuff previous to and you’re just extremely excellent. I really like what you’ve acquired here, certainly like what you are stating and the way in which you say it. You make it entertaining and you still take care of to keep it wise. I can’t wait to read much more from you. This is actually a terrific web site.

    • just Kevin here says:

      Thanks Penny.
      I’m having a lot of fun with the blog – so when I get comments like yours, it helps me believe I am doing something worthwhile.
      Much appreciated.
      K

  18. just Kevin here says:

    Hi Garland,
    Thanks for visiting.
    As for ideas – they are free – help yourself 🙂
    K

  19. just Kevin here says:

    Julius,
    It’s comments like your that keep me motivated to continue writing.
    Thank you so much.
    K

  20. just Kevin here says:

    Thanks for your comment Odell.
    I am glad I was able to shed a lit of light on this problem.

    K

  21. Darron Reazer says:

    Wow! Thank you! I continuously wanted to write on my website something like that. Can I implement a fragment of your post to my blog?

    • just Kevin here says:

      Darron, I appreciate your feedback.
      And yes, by all means, you can use a snippet for your site.
      Thanks.
      K

  22. Nikole Belke says:

    Wow, wonderful blog layout! How long have you been blogging for? you made blogging look easy. The overall look of your website is excellent, let alone the content!

    • just Kevin here says:

      Hello Nikole,
      Thanks for your comment. I am just a newbie and still getting the hang of it.
      K

  23. Florentino Katzen says:

    Very efficiently written story. It will be supportive to everyone who employess it, including yours truly :). Keep doing what you are doing – looking forward to more posts.

  24. My brother recommended I might like this blog. He was totally right. This post truly made my day. You cann’t imagine just how much time I had spent for this information! Thanks!

  25. Euna Kopps says:

    Good info and right to the point. I am not sure if this is truly the best place to ask but do you folks have any thoughts on where to get some professional writers? Thx 🙂

  26. Nga Huegel says:

    I am only writing to make you understand of the extraordinary discovery our girl developed studying your webblog. She picked up such a lot of issues, not to mention what it is like to have an amazing coaching mindset to get a number of people really easily thoroughly grasp several multifaceted subject matter. You truly exceeded her desires. Many thanks for coming up with those necessary, trustworthy, informative and fun tips about this topic to Evelyn.

    • just Kevin here says:

      Hello Nga,
      I am completely humbled by your kind words.
      When I read the differences I can make with my words, it is I who have received the gift from you and Evelyn.
      I truly thank you for visiting and commenting.
      I look forward to writing soon and continue what I have started – to make a difference in the world.

      K

  27. just Kevin here says:

    Wow back, Ferdinand 😎
    I’ve only been at this for a few months and I am just starting to get the hang of it. I’m blown away because I always thought it needed so much more work – lol.
    I’m glad you like it and hope you return again.

    Thanks,
    K

  28. just Kevin here says:

    Duncan, You bring a warm smile to my face.
    I realize my formatting is weird – still a newbie at this AND over 50 – but I am learning as fast as I can.

    Thanks for your comments and I hope to see you again.

    K

  29. Clinton Brader says:

    I think this is one of the most significant info for me. And i’m glad reading your article. But want to remark on some general things, The site style is great, the articles is really nice : D. Good job, cheers

    • just Kevin here says:

      Clinton,
      I am sincerely humbled by your kind words. I hope you continue to follow.

      Thank you,
      K

  30. Thank you for the auspicious writeup. It in fact was a amusement account it. Look advanced to far added agreeable from you! By the way, how could we communicate?

  31. Ricarda Monk says:

    You are a very intelligent individual!

    • just Kevin here says:

      Thank you Ricarda; but with all due respect to you, I’m just floating around opinions.
      And with more respect to you – thank you for sharing your feeling with me.
      I am getting goose bumps as I write this – lol!

      K

  32. I have been browsing online more than three hours today, yet I never found any interesting article like yours. It is pretty worth enough for me. Personally, if all webmasters and bloggers made good content as you did, the net will be much more useful than ever before.

    • just Kevin here says:

      I appreciate your kind words Milton.
      Your contribution and comments inspire me to continue sharing my thoughts.

      K

  33. Very nice post. I just stumbled upon your weblog and wanted to say that I have really enjoyed surfing around your blog posts. After all I’ll be subscribing to your rss feed and I hope you write again very soon!

    • just Kevin here says:

      Thanks Whitney.
      I’m glad I can make a contribution to your day.
      I’ll be writing again soon.

      Take Care,
      K

Will you share a thought ...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s