Getting along with others in the world is probably the most difficult thing that confronts us each and every single day.
For some of us, it has gotten easier over the years as we learned some little trick to help make life easier.
For many of us, it is still difficult being in relationship with others. We may have an inkling of how things can be done differently, and some of them we use.
Still, for others, life continues to be just a string of confrontations and problems that seem to keep popping up and never going away.
Fortunately, there is hope and possibility that this can change for the better – regardless of where we fit in the above situations. It is possible that all our relationships, from lovers to strangers, can be without the conflict that easily shows up.
By simply changing the way we see others and ourselves, it is a SURE THING to TRANSFORM your life experiences and relationships by just having better understanding of how we operate as individuals.
______ . ______
In the last post about relationships, which is Part One to this post, I ended it by boldly stating:
It is easy to create empowering relationships
even with people that are unlikeable,
those we don’t much trust, and
people who’s lost our respect
without the head games and general feeling of
disempowerment, and/or resentment, and/or unfinished business.
For this post, I am bringing the conversation full circle by sharing with you my assumptions and successes that give validation to this very incredible assertion.
Here, we will look at what we can do about the never-ending conflict that surrounds us all. I am going to make a few assumptions about getting along and how we can live with less conflict towards a more personally freeing experiences we all seek in our lives.
I am going to make another major assertion; this time on why we fail miserably in relationships:
We’ve been looking at and attacking the WRONG issues
when understanding and (re)building relationships.
From all of the evidence around us (politicians, criminals, armies, activists, and others), it appears we still have limited knowledge when it come to relating with each other.
______ . ______
Here are some different made-up named character examples and the type of relationship (to which we will refer back) of how we are inwardly being (how we think), how we express ourselves in what we do, what is the secret threat (or the fear), what we do in our learned response to the threat (how we defend our fear), and what we get out of our relationships by hanging on to the fear (and therefore, maintaining the behaviour):
- Strong and the leadership type.
- A take-charge person with family matters and is action-oriented.
- THE POSSIBLE FEAR: Abandonment
- When the fear is threatened from an issue, tend to seek at least one ally in the family for support. Will always be right.
- PAYBACK: Will always have a close connection with ‘family’ throughout whole life.
- Quiet and invisible.
- Does not raise issues and has few friends.
- THE POSSIBLE FEAR: Poverty
- When the fear is threatened from an issue, may often tell supervisors what is going.
- PAYBACK: Better feeling of security and feels a bit of power.
- Docile and expressive with emotions.
- Usually go along without sharing concerns.
- THE POSSIBLE FEAR: Dying Alone
- When the fear is threatened from an issue, may involve pouting and whining, usually from a ‘victim’ position.
- PAYBACK: Never give others a reason to leave, and will always have someone by their side.
- Usually happy and fun to be around.
- Reliable and a team player.
- THE POSSIBLE FEAR: Loneliness
- When the fear is threatened from an issue, may get loud and boisterous sometimes leading to escalate issues. Usually knowledge of personal details of friends that keeps a connection.
- PAYBACK: Will be acknowledged as a respected, liked, and a trusted friend. Always have someone to turn to in times of need.
- Suspicious and distant.
- Untrusting and avoid eye contact.
- THE POSSIBLE FEAR: Victim of Abuse
- When the fear is threatened from an issue, may walk/run away or yell/scream loudly.
- PAYBACK: Get validation for fears about other people from other people.
When considering these character traits, keep in mind that it is even possible for all of these fears to the emotional make-up of only one person. It’s possible because we understand these kind of issues, and we can relate to them – if not in ourselves, we can see them in others (just as others would see it in us) .
______ . ______
We can see how they act/react in such ways that
we would never know the real “deep” reason
for why they act that way.
Even more interesting,
we often don’t even know it when we do it to ourselves.
______ . ______
So, Why Don’t These Methods Work?
In each of the people above, the pain of issues will never go away, because the real issues are not addressed. They allow the opening for more opportunities for problems and issues to arise because they will still not feel better or closer to other people.
Plain and simply:
First: The fears still exists – it/they have only been defended (temporarily for that instance of the fear).
Because we don’t talk about our real fears and feeling to other people, we have been trained to keep “that stuff” to ourselves – especially men; and therefore, we don’t get a deep enough understanding of other people to develop fulfilling relationships. (Unless you want to pay a lot of money for therapy, lol.)
Because we are dealing with “what happened or is happening”, we overlook the real source of the fear. For example, maybe Sue (from above character) was born into poverty even though father was a union-man. She witnessed a lot of violence in the workplace and came to believe management were people to fear. She developed her behaviour from the trauma in childhood and did not want to be poor again.
Another problem with this is that we then don’t get the chance to understand
we humans are all more alike than we realize: we all live and hide inside our fears we developed early on in life.
Second: The current methods only maintains or increases the distance we have when relating with others.
When we look at Bob or Ann, they may rid themselves of the immediate issue/threat (real or perceived) by their actions; but over the long run in their lives, they will always struggle with how they operate to get what they want.
Secretly, we know it is a ruse – or an act (headgame) – to stop feeling the loneliness, or poverty, or …
The major problem arises from the years of practice we collect to let it imprint on our memories from all our past issues. And when we look back on our lives (and be honest with ourselves), we can see links in EVERYTHING.
We can’t help what we are doing because our habits are deep-rooted.
For example, say I had an issue (fear) with feeling like people are always putting me down. I could react by arguing with people to make a point (as truth), or maybe become a loner, or by having friends below my perceived level. I may get those feelings from way back in my childhood from, say, a mother that was always putting me down and saying I was stupid, or I lived in a community that I knew was full of poverty.
______ . ______
Here is my understanding of relationship, and I make the following assumption:
I figure the meaning and level of relationship is:
based on OUR expectations on how the relationship should play out, which is
based on OUR values and beliefs from what we’ve learned about relating, which is
based on OUR previous experiences of similar PAST situations, which is
based on OUR secret memories of how we felt in those situations, which is
based on OUR private fears we hold from long-held, unresolved traumatic instances.
THIS IS THE SAME FOR ME – AS IT IS FOR YOU – AS IT IS FOR EVERY LIVING BEING.
We are all the same!
______ . ______
The 3 MOST IMPORTANT THINGS to remember
to start getting along with EVERYONE:
Are you ready for what I think are the 3 key things we have to remember so it begins the process of getting along with everyone? From the insights gleaned from above, I make these assertions about people and relationships (at every level of our interactions with people and things):
WE ALL LIVE INSIDE OUR MANY FEARS
CREATED FROM OUR MEMORIES
Let’s admit it – every single one of us on the planet
is affected by fear in some way or another.
REMEMBER THIS CAVEAT:
For the most part, we aren’t even aware how our relationships are affected so much.
And none of us are immune to the ravages of fear because regardless of whether the fear is real or imagined, the world relies heavily on our exposure to fear and promotes it always. We just plain cannot escape it as sure as the sun always being there.
WE ARE ALL TRAINED THROUGH LIFE
HOW TO REACT TO LIFE’S CHALLENGES
The Social Norms that dictate “how we should be”
are taught to us without even being aware of it!
As we know, we are taught in life to be a certain way in specific situations. All of our influences come from many sources: media, entertainment, family, friends, professional associates, financial status, etc. We are most influenced by our primary relationships: family.
WE EXPRESS OURSELVES (AND OUR FEARS)
THE ONLY WAY WE KNOW HOW
Though trial and error, we learn specifically what actions works best
when we are protecting ourselves in conflict.
Because we know this about ourselves, then it is LOGICAL to make the CONNECTION that:
“If I am this way and I am normal and average,
then other people are normal and average also.”
“We are all THE SAME.
We just express ourselves differently.”
______ * ______
So, the big question to be answered in response to the insights shared here is:
HOW THE HECK DO WE ELIMINATE CONFLICT
BEFORE IT HAS A CHANCE TO HAPPEN?
______ . ______
If I was so bold, I would first suggest maybe consider making these 3 points a part of a conscious habit to remember. This won’t take long, maybe a week or so before it becomes second nature and
ALL OF A SUDDEN A MIND-BLOWING SHIFT IN YOUR LIFE TAKES PLACE.
Yes, an INCREDIBLE TRANSFORMATION (NOT change) of how you look at people, see people, interact with people, and get interested in people. YES!
It will suddenly dawn on you things are different. The subtle soon becomes apparent and then sliding in your life will be this “eureka moment” or “aha!“. So remember these 3 important things about ourselves – OUR INTIMATE SELVES – and realize we are all the same:
We All Live In Fear
We Are Trained/Conditioned To React Certain Ways
We Express Ourselves The Only We Way We Know How
DID YOU KNOW: When you walk along the street and you are smiling, people are almost certain to smile back at you when you make eye contact. Try it out sometimes.
Next post on relationships, we will look at some examples of how fear rears it’s ugly head.