In Defiance of Pain

A WARNING:
The following post is extremely graphic.  I really hope it achieves the goal I have in posting the story.  And that is what it is – a fictional story.  I originally completed it in Sept ’09, but I find the timing of publishing it now is good.

I am undertaking a process of cleansing.  If you have read any other posts of mine or my bio on the blog, you can see that I experiment with my life all the time and I am on an incredible journey right now (as I write).

There are several reasons why everything is done as it is, so …

Please forgive me if I offend you in any way at all.  As well, I hope that you understand on a deeper level of my writing this piece of creative writing.

I will let you know this though, it will become more apparent in this coming year as I commit myself to public speaking and publishing a book.

So, on with the show …

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Heard from the summer hot barn, the piercing wails mercilessly caroms off the dusty walls, and the sting of his own screams shoot right back to the heart of the little victim.

With his eyes held tightly closed, all he wants is the stabbing pain to stop; he wants the musty foreign smells to go away; he wants the gurgling heavy breath to tell him to run away and go home.  Yet it doesn’t … it just won’t … end.  Then a pause, and a bright flash and a quiet zeeeeeeee fill their little hideaway.

The boy, no more than eight years old, resigning himself to however worse it was going to get, begins to pray.  He can feel himself moving towards that godly place to seek refuge from the terror in the hope of hopes that maybe at least He could help – at least that’s what his parents always told him so.

“Our Father, who art in … am I going to Heaven?” whispers the boy to himself through his sniffling.

Suddenly, the boy feels warm and the hair on his arms stand up – a gentle wave of trust rushing through his trunk and extremities.  In calm wonder – he feels himself slowly drifting high above the terror.  He could see the large black mass, and it seems like he could almost reach down and touch … the … boy; and there is this sudden amazement to see it was he himself being inflicted with gross indecencies that he could not even possibly understand.  Now there is no longer pain … there is no longer feeling … there is nothing but a total relaxing numbness that convinces him to survive the ordeal.  … And again … another bright flash.

“Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,” laughs the Voice. “If there’s anyone in Heaven right now kid, it’s me, not you.”  The Voice laughs, groans, then laughs again.

No longer with the urge to cry, that inner voice again. Always wondering.  “Then I am not dead?” The echo of the laugh in the barn bellows shamelessly as the Voice works furiously to finish his work.

The poor broken boy, lying on the table in a sea of sweat and blood, resembles nothing of the sweet and innocence that brought him to this hell-hole of terror in the first place.  His still trusting eyes, now circled with dark blue bruises, are unable to look behind him to see who could do such things – to make him feel such pain.  His tiny wrists, tied to restrain any bodily movement, are burned and bleeding as he struggled in vain to fight the onslaught of new pain.  A thousand knives jab him inside over … and over … and over again.  Even with his eyes closed, the boy sees another bright flash.

With the exception of heavy wheezing, there is an unusual silence – no crickets, birds, or passing cars blaring the latest pop hit.  The dusty and oily-smelling barn seems to be transported to another universe.

The boy peers his eyes open and shifts them stealthly from side to side.  If not for another time and place, all he sees is the warm afternoon sun slicing between the decrepit walls allowing the slices of dust to dance aimlessly free in the air; and it would get sticky inside his wet nose.

A few seconds of waiting for something to happen makes the boy’s heart race even faster.  He wonders and waits.  Another bright light makes his body jump like a paddled cardiac patient.  He begins to whimper again.

The cool edge of a large and shiny blade presses against his face and reflects the outside light into his eyes.  The Voice leans into him and all the boy smells is the overpowering odour of stale sweat, urine, and alcohol.

“What do you think I should do with you now, little boy?  Should I cut your throat or set you free?”

“Please let me go?  I won’t tell anybody.  I promise mister, I promise.”  The boy could no longer stop himself from crying.  His big chestnut eyes begin to spill forth tears like a broken dam.

“I know you won’t tell, little boy.  If I let you live, you’ll never tell.  I know your mother, your father, and your two sisters.  I know everything about you and your family.”  The Voice lets the boy digest his words.  “If you ever even think about telling, I can easily come back and kill your whole family.  But you know that, don’t you little boy?”

The Voice chuckles to himself.  “You know kid, maybe it will be better if I do kill you – you know, to save you the memories of today – because you will probably never forget this day.  Not next week, not next year, not even when you are a grandfather.  You will always remember this day because you will always wonder ‘what if …’.  Every time you are with your girlfriend, your wife, your kids – you will wonder.  So the question to you, little boy, is whether you want to live or not.  You tell me.”

“I want to live – please!” begs the boy without hesitation.

As fast as a magician’s hand, a ‘sing’ of the blade set the boy’s wrists free from its bonds.  The Voice looks down at the boy on the bench and smiles a long, satisfied grin.  He brings an instant camera to his face and takes a photo.  Without moving from his position, the boy watches the Voice adjust himself.  The Voice throws a soiled rag on the boy’s bleeding body and takes one last photo.

“Sure, little boy” replies the Voice.  “I’ll let you go because you were my best in a long time.  You were wonderful, absolutely wonderful.  Maybe we can do it again sometime.”

And without another word or sound, the Voice disappears.  It is so sudden, the boy isn’t even sure whether he has actually left.  He waits for a moment and then decides to look around.  When he’s sure he’s alone, the boy slowly lifts his painful body from his fetal position.

On seeing the large knife, he reaches over and inspects the razor-sharp edge closely.  He realizes how this powerful and intimidating knife held his life in the balance – and just a kid, too.  In this case, it set him free.

He is free.

The boy takes a deep breath and pauses; and then slowly and gently, he lies down on his back.  First from his left arm and then from his right; rich, dark blood rhythmically spurts in an arc above him.  He closes his eyes and waits for freedom to slowly take him to Heaven.

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A Life of Freedom Begins Here

Do you really want to be happy?  I mean, really!!

If so, what is it you think will make it so?

Have you pictured what your happiness will look like when you achieve it?

How about the people who will be in your life when this epoch is your expression to the world?

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May I offer a suggestion?

When we go through life, the most important thing that is going on is our relationships.  They guide us, suggest to us, help us, warn us, attract us, and on and on.

What I am getting at, is that our life begins to transform (not change) to reflect our goals and aspirations (and all those hidden dreams from the world) when we begin to get along with others – and ourselves.

Therefore, I have reposted a pic from a post a few months back.  I am making an assertion that these MAY be the keys to fulfilling the desires of what we want to accomplish in our short life before we go.

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What I have written below is the way I approach everyone I know and meet every day.  I always consider these 3 points when I look at everybody because it makes is so much easier to be in relationship with them.

  • I don’t have to get angry with anybody because I know what’s really going on to make us react and do things.
  • I listen more intently because I can hear the real meaning behind some of the stories (about their lives) they share with me.
  • I can laugh off possible put-downs (through jokes and little comments) because I know they can be true about me.
  • I can be more honest with (most) people because we’ve developed a deeper relationship.
  • I can be more selective with whom I wish to be in relationship because the ‘quality pool’ is much improved.
  • I can go on and on, but I think you get the point.

(Copy and print the pic and carry it with you for a while to remind yourself.  Try out the exercise for a week or so and see what a difference it would make in your life.)

Why We Are The Way We Are

Remember, I don’t suggest I know and believe these thoughts to be the truth.  They are just a culmination of thought, observance, and experience with hundreds of people I’ve met in my life.

Try considering giving a thought to my assertions.  If anything, it will get you to start you thinking one way or the other.

Until next time,

Kevin

Touching Freedom: Discovering A Life With Purpose, part 1

What is (Life) Purpose?

This may be the second most important personal, intimate, and profound question we all face in humankind just behind “What is the meaning of life?” and just before “What is Freedom?”.  And it is most likely same the reasons it is the most difficult to answer.  It takes a lot of work just to consider what it actually IS before we even consider HOW to Live with Purpose.  All the more reason (especially in these times of short attention spans) to not consider our Life Purpose – it’s a lot of hard work – brain work – thinking.

Our access to this personal question is openly available to anyone who can understand our existence (we know that we are humans on the planet for less than 100 years). It is not so openly to those of us who are not aware of even this particular paradigm of life.

Life Purpose is being in control of our life.  It’s knowing that we will be doing the same thing forever – in some way or another.  LP is the reason for waking in the morning.

Purpose is creative.  Imagination comes from looking outside the ordinary and mundane and envisioning another way of expression.  Purpose is inventive and sees new possibility in things.  Purpose is curiosity and always asking ‘why’.  These are not things that we learn or practice like a skill.  It is an internal process within each and every one of us.

We can decide this way of living for ourselves; but often for most of us, it is decided for us because we gave up option of deciding a long time ago.

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The Meaning of our Life Purpose (LP) is …

… based on feelings, both physical and emotional.

It is a sensation inside our body and mind >> a collision course of creativity and curiosity. It’s a scientific and medical action that takes place in our bodies that we tag with a meaning or a name.

These feelings are found in a lot of things we do over our lifetimes. Feelings are important because they provide the snapshot of memories (both good and bad) that left an impression on our lives.  These feelings may then end up being connected to doing something great, and we loved it, people around us loved it, and it was something that we felt was a genuine contribution to life.

With those feelings, which we want to replicate forever, we end up making stories about ourselves.  Stories about our abilities, desires, obligations, family, competency, and any other description that would give us reasons NOT to follow through on our desires.

Nobody else can decide or define it for us.  It is personal – DEEPLY personal to a point where we may not even share these feelings with anybody else – not even our families and spouses.

We decide as individuals what our own LP is and means to us.

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The quest to discover our LP is an Internal Process with an External measurement.

While the issue of our Life Purpose is not always apparent to everyone at all times, it’s there for all of us.  It’s already inside of us waiting to be expressed to the world.  Waiting for us to ‘release the hounds’ of our secret desires.   But, before we can even consider the thought of seeking our own personal LP, we have to complete other necessary psychological and social tasks to be ready for the inquiry of the mind.

First thing, we have to complete other necessary sociological processes in our lives.  Have we tried things we liked and excelled – only to realize it is only ‘hobby-worthy’?  Have we taken any risks to seek out our LP?  Have we looked back on our lives to find any strings of similarity?

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How do we KNOW it’s Our LP?

When we have found our LP, we instinctively know already that it is found.  Again, as I said earlier, it is something we decide – so it is a result where we know unequivocally that our life (and the lives around us) is lit up with joy and excitement.  That’s one of the great payoffs – everyone benefits.

Some ways the feelings express themselves are in the nature of who we are being.  Sometimes, our thoughts can be obsessive and overwhelming.  Scary! (That may be why we shy away from further inquiry – the fear factor!)

Another good hint of our purpose is when other people tell us we ‘should get into’ or ‘be’ something that we’ve just gloriously and happily demonstrated. They don’t understand why we don’t do it professionally and make lot’s of money doing what is fun.  Sometimes, other people can see it before we can  – sorta like bad habits.

“Getting a feeling of your Life Purpose is like
having great sex for the first time.

Once we’ve experienced it,
  We spend the rest of our life trying to duplicate the feeling.”

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Living within our LP is a difficult proposition to consider because …

Probably the most difficult to seek and achieve, LP remains elusive to most because it involves 2 sides of our humanity at the same time:

1 – our individual Way of Being (Thinking):

– it colours our way of seeing the world and the perspective we have on it

– based on how we feel about ourselves

– being comfortable with who we are

2 – our individual Way of Doing (Acting):

– based on how we feel the world perceives us as individuals

– the expression of what we are thinking about the world

– it requires us to live with ethical and moral values

It takes a lot of conviction, courage, patience, and personal understanding to even consider the possibility of living a Life with Purpose.  Worse still, there are a million reasons/excuses for not seeking our LP that let us off the hook.

It’s always someone else’s fault. And we end up at the end of our lives saying we ‘coulda, shoulda, woulda.”

Sadly, we miss the fact that it is really the fear and discomfort we are avoiding that is really taking place in our hearts.  Besides, who deserves to feel this good in life (and get paid for it, too)?

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Next posting …

Why is having a Life Purpose is important to us.

See you next time,

Kevin

Nietzsche says about our life:

There is no truth, no meaning to life in the world that is relevant to you, except the truth that you yourself give your life.

… To give life a meaning:

that has been the grand endeavor of all that have preached ‘truth’;
for unless life is given a meaning it has none.

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At this level, truth is not something that can be proved or disproved:

It is something which you determine upon, which, in the language of the old psychology, your will.

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It is not something waiting to be discovered, (it is not) something to which you submit or at which you halt:

It is something you create, it is the expression of a particular kind of life and being which has, in you, ventured to assert itself.

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Because each particular life and being needs a fortress within which to preserve and protect itself and from which to reach out …..

and truth (your meaning to life) is this fortress.

Earl Nightingale Says …

Feeling Wonder

Today,

as my thoughts are borne from my heart;

I am calmed from

my soul blessing my misunderstandings,

and returns gratitude through my daily expressions.

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In those moments,

as I sense the love of fulfillment in my purpose,

I am reminded –

Another rainbow of possibility

is lighting my way to living my destiny.

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© July 2012

Our Individuality

Another post on Getting Along with Others is forthcoming.

Before I post, I wanted to upload this reminder from the recent post RELATIONSHIP: We CAN Get Along just to keep a concept fresh in our mind as we journey to the next conversation about practical tips on what we can actually DO to experience the shift in our relationships.

I decided to upload the 3 points below because, like the last entry on Fear, these are constant little reminders I keep in my head as I operate out in the world.

They are now second nature and I usually don’t even have to think about it anymore – with one exception:

When I get triggered from an incident,

I usually just have to give myself a little step back, breathe, and remember the following:

Individuality